In a historically unprecedented move, the White House announced a new Executive Order that would take immigration measures to new extremes. In an effort to homogenize the national makeup once and for all, the order, expected to be signed by President Trump by the end of the week, declares that anyone who has ever come to the United States from a foreign state will be ordered to leave the country by Memorial Day. This order will begin with the deportation of recent immigrants from Latin America, Asia, and the Middle East and covers every single American going back as far as citizens whose ancestors arrived in Jamestown colony in the year 1607.

“It may be an unpopular opinion to deport approximately 99.1% of the U.S. population,” said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “but that’s the risk we’re willing to take to in order to keep the country safe from harm.”

Many will be keen to observe that this E.O. will also be responsible for kicking out a vast majority of the federal workforce, including the man who signed it, President Trump.

When asked why he felt such measures were necessary, the President replied “You know, I promised to Make America Great Again okay? You know it, I know, everyone knows it. I’m also a man of my word which means I will do anything to keep that promise. When I first signed this order I only thought it would apply to all the haters and losers, fake news outlets, and Hillary Clinton, but I was shocked to learn that members of my administration, my family, and even me were going to be affected by it. But you know what? When it comes to national security you can’t trust anyone, not even ourselves.”