The Lambert Post

Which Buzzfeed video series are you based on your Lambert opinions?

Which Buzzfeed video series are you based on your Lambert opinions?

Emma North, Nethra Pillai, and Allie Tatoy

January 25, 2018


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

According to your nonsensical opinions about high school that don't reflect your personality at all, find out which completely, totally, 100% original Buzzfeed series you are, which ultimately only reflects the amount of time you spent procrastinating for your science quiz.

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C*ns*rsh*p: ██████████

C*ns*rsh*p: ██████████

Jennifer Zhao, Staff writer

November 30, 2017


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

Censorship - the ████████ of words, images, or ideas that are considered ██████ - has often been associated with ████████. While the government isn’t exactly arranging book burnings ██████, recent developments in mass media have left many ...

Top advice to underclassmen from Seniors

Top advice to underclassmen from Seniors

Cameron Adamczyk, Staff Writer

May 1, 2017


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

It’s been a triumphant four years for seniors. When you look around, it is clear that the Class of 2017 dominates the school. The knowledge accumulated over the course of their illustrious high school careers, it is, quite frankly, selfish for us to not share with our predecessors. So, as the underclassmen...

Don’t call it a comeback, the Powder Blue Tux been here for years

Don’t call it a comeback, the Powder Blue Tux been here for years

Nick Schwarzmann, Staff Writer

April 5, 2017


Filed under The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

For years, the Prom fashion scene has been dominated by beautiful girls in beautiful dresses, while their dates, if they go with a boy, are expected to match their ties and pocket squares with the color of the ladies' gowns. The men are expected to be accessories to the women, as if Prom is not also...

Girl plans for prom months in advance

Girl plans for prom months in advance

Ansley Mitchell, Staff Writer

April 1, 2017


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

“This is it. This is the one,” said Sarah, cladded in sequins. She looked at her mother, who was practically in tears over the thousand-dollar prom dress. “Sure, honey. Let me call the bank real quick to get a loan,” her mother stammered. “Are you sure you won’t change your mind? There’s...

Valentine’s lovers experience turmoil

Valentine’s lovers experience turmoil

Cameron Adamczyk, Staff Writer

February 10, 2017


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

On February 14, love is in the air everywhere you walk. The roses bud and the chocolates flow. The restaurants fill and gifts are purchased. Valentine’s Day is a staple of the American life where romanticism manifests in the purest way possible, and the couples in the middle of the Lambert High School...

White House unveils drastic new immigration measures

White House unveils drastic new immigration measures

Colin Masterson, Sports Editor

February 2, 2017


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

In a historically unprecedented move, the White House announced a new Executive Order that would take immigration measures to new extremes. In an effort to homogenize the national makeup once and for all, the order, expected to be signed by President Trump by the end of the week, declares that anyone...

ACT finds more spent on tutoring, the better the scores

ACT finds more spent on tutoring, the better the scores

Cameron Adamczyk, Staff Writer

January 23, 2017


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

The ACT announced that, along with partner study schools, the most successful students usually pay from $300 to $500 for extra tutoring. While most people find the fees for taking the actual test to be expensive enough as it is, ACT representatives swear the extra money goes a long way. “The more...

The lightmare before Christmas

The lightmare before Christmas

Bryan McKnight, Staff Writer

December 15, 2016


Filed under The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

With Christmas right around the corner, it’s time to address a serious issue in American Society.  White Christmas lights have been flooding the streets and homes of the suburban populous for years now and nobody seems to care. Christmas is about togetherness and spreading holiday cheer to everyone...

Lambert freshmen experience first high school events

Lambert freshmen experience first high school events

September 15, 2016


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

The lone freshman looked around the screaming gym, searching for an example on how to act. His first real school event can appear daunting. He carried apprehension to fully embrace his inner school spirit. All of his friends around him don’t know how to act either. They all wanted to be cool. A big...

SAT Establishes “No Breathing” Policy

SAT Establishes “No Breathing” Policy

SungMin Park, Staff Writer

May 17, 2016


Filed under The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

Among the changes that came with the New SAT, the College Board is most excited to implement its “No Breathing” policy.   “Once we have tried this new initiative, we believe that by now we will have covered all the bases when it comes to cheating”, says Daniel Coleman*, the CEO of C...

Student legally becomes an adult, trumps parents’ rules

Student legally becomes an adult, trumps parents’ rules

Madeline Laguaite, Features Editor

March 9, 2016


Filed under Showcase, The Red Onion (Lambert's Satirical News)

Senior Lauren Johnson recently turned 18 and has decided that, because she had a birthday yesterday, she doesn't have to abide by her parents' rules. Like many students in the area, Johnson doesn't pay for the gas in her car, nor the bill for her iPhone 6S; her parents do. Still, when her parents politely...